So, I went for a job interview this week. It was a great position and I hope I get it but it brought up a whole pile of things that I will now share with you...as my virtual family/strangers/stalkers.
When the lady called me to schedule the interview Claire decided at that moment to have a graham cracker-related meltdown of epic proportions. It was amazing even by Claire standards.
See, I wasn't expecting a phone call for an interview because I had submitted my resume only minutes earlier and frankly, people usually aren't this interested in me. So when I saw "unknown" show up on my phone I wondered what bill I'd neglected to pay or why DirecTV keeps bugging me to come back to them.
So as Claire screamed in the background, the lady tried to tell me from where she was calling and the nature of her call. When she offered the interview I had to ask if I could call her back after securing childcare for Zora. Luckily, my husband is a super star and can't wait for me to get back to work and out of pjs, so he urged me to go to the interview saying he'd be in charge of the girls.
Here's where it gets sticky: I felt super self-conscious about telling this woman that I had to make sure I had a sitter. First, it's not necessarily anyone's business. Second, I'm applying for a job, that may or may not mean that I don't currently have one. So yes, I might be staying at home with kids, dogs, Facebook, whatever. I felt like it made me look bad in some way, even irresponsible, which is ridiculous.
When I got to the interview I chatted with the woman who had set up the interview. She was the assistant to the gentleman who later interviewed me. We made small talk and of course, Claire and Zora found their way into the conversation. Then I felt self-conscious again. What is going on here? I love talking about my children. I wanted to swallow the words back down my throat.
Finally, I got to sit down with the interviewer and I saw written on the top of my resume "call back, child care." What does that mean? Why is it note-worthy? Or it is just a mental note that got written down? Why am I worrying about this?
All of the sudden I didn't feel the swell of pride I usually do when I talk about my family. I felt like it was something that I wanted to hide. I didn't want to be Jesse Hayes, mom of two of the best kids on the planet and wife to one pretty kick-ass husband. I wanted to be Jessemine Dobson-Hayes, attorney, professor, job-seeker(hopefully job-getter). But the two weren't interchangeable. It was a very bizarre feeling.
As the dust has settled around this interview I have gone between desperately wanting this job because it's amazing and not wanting to leave my babies. Luckily, it's not been offered to me yet, so I haven't had to decide.
I say luckily because part of me feels like I'm doing something wrong going back to work. Which is odd because I have many, many friends who work and have kids and I don't think they're doing anything wrong, odd, or otherwise. And luckily, because if it isn't offered to me then I don't have to decide. It's so much easier to be acted upon than to act, yourself.
Honestly, I think it's all because I'll miss them. I'll miss my crazy, hilarious, little lovies. My brain translates that into some sort of guilt.
So there you have it blog world. Stuck between a rock and a hard place...if a hard place is a job that I haven't actually been offered.