Wednesday, May 30, 2012

These Lizards are Assholes and Other Random Thoughts

Okay, so a few weeks ago I was on the phone with a girlfriend explaining how my garage door kept opening itself after I had closed it.  I assumed, erroneously, that it was a lizard or something triggering the sensor.  There are crazy huge lizards all over this place (Texas) so I said to her, "these lizards are assholes."  Because clearly if they're opening my garage, they want my belongings stolen by neighborhood teens.  That's an asshole move if I've ever seen one.  She told me to make it the title of my next post.  Well, Michelle, here you go.

Here are a few random/ranty thoughts I've had lately that I wanted to share.

1.  The ability to deposit waste into a toilet of any size is not a mark of intelligence or lack thereof.

I don't know how many times I've heard parents brag on how early their kid was potty trained.  Just shut up.  They weren't trained, you were.  Plus, let me just share a bit of wisdom with you:  every asshole I know is toilet trained.  Seriously, every single one.  All the jerks that I went to school with, the pretentious waiter at the too expensive restaurant, nearly every politician, and every braggy mom...all use the potty and probably without a sticker chart.  So stop.  Please. 

2. Bow size is apparently now a mark of wealth?

Please tell me this isn't actually true.  I've started making a few bows for Claire because I refuse to pay $10 for something I can make for $3 in about two minutes.  That being said, I understand how they end up so big.  They get out of hand really quickly.  I've had to reign myself in a few times.  I don't understand parents who post pictures of their children's bow collections with a caption that says something about their kid being spoiled, etc.  Unless the kid purchased them on their own, you, parent, are to blame for their spoiledness.  My only assumption is that what you really mean is, "look how much money I've spent on this kid.  It's impressive, right?  There's more where that came from.  Just click around in my albums, I'm sure I've posted pictures of my house and cars, too." 

3.  Are you planning to have kids is the most inappropriate, prying question in the world.

I'm guilty, I have asked this question at least twice in the last two weeks.  Here's what you're really asking, "hey, so are you planning to stop taking your birth control any time soon?  Because it's my business.  I mean are you taking birth control now?  How often do you have sex with your husband?  When?  Because I'd like to know if you're ovulating."  Michelle and I discussed this recently, too.  There are a series of questions that people seem to ask when you hit certain stages in life.  First, it's the when are you getting married?  Then it's when are you having kids?  Then it's when are you having more kids?  I'm guessing it all ends with when are planning on dying?  How awkward are we as a society that we discuss these things with strangers in grocery stores, etc?  But, sadly, I can't help it.  I want to know the answers...

4.  When did everyone start running marathons?

I feel like this is a recent trend.  I, myself, have started running.  Which is crazy because there was a point when I would've only run if chased and even then I might have tried fighting back before fleeing.  I'm not built for speed, people.  Almost every person I know is training for some 5K.  It makes me want to run, too.  But sadly, I hate running.  So, my other option is Zumba which is equally popular.  It may have something to do with the age of my friends and the fact that most are experiencing that post-30 metabolic slowdown.

Well, I haven't talked about it in awhile, but it is in the title of the blog...TV.  I can say now that we hardly watch TV.  It's nice.  I feel like my girls are just as happy though even if I switch on some MMC so I can cook dinner.  The great thing is that Claire no longer brings me the remote like she did when we were in the Sprout stage. 


  1. Every single one of these-- YES!

    Especially numbers 1 and 4. As for #4- I've decided that very fast walking counts as running and does not make my legs hurt. Let's make it the newest trend! I refuse to Zumba.

  2. I always go straight to the end and ask when people are planning on dying. Sometimes it negates the need to ask the other questions.

  3. Just started a new job in April and I swear that my very first day on the job a guy in the office asked me if my husband and I had kids. When I said, "No," he asked me how old I was and if we were planning on having them. Yikes! Awkward. I would maybe only ask my closest of friends something like that (but if we were closest of friends, I would already know and not have to ask so moot point) but not a coworker I just met.