Momma got a job. Yep.
So here comes the mixed emotions. I'm really excited to get back into the workplace. Rob and I always assumed that I would stay home with Zora until she was 1 and then go back to work outside of the home. Of course he said a few nights ago that he actually hoped I would stay home with her until age 2...now you tell me.
This job is a perfect transition back into the wilds of corporate America. It's at a law firm and it's a writing position. So, I'll be getting paid to do what I largely do for free. I won't be practicing law, yet. I say yet because I'm still on the fence if that's something I'm looking to start doing here in Texas.
Yesterday when I arrived home from my interview I was basking in the joy of having a job offered to me on the spot. Then I heard a tiny emanating whimper from Zora's room. She was waking up from her afternoon nap and ready to be extracted from her crib confines.
When I saw those little pink cheeks, big blue eyes, and tiny hands-one reaching for me, one holding on to Miss Monkey-I just lost it. I scooped her up and apologized for leaving her, even though I hadn't. I told her that I love her and that I was so grateful for the year that we had spent together. I assured her that my going back to work wasn't because I don't like spending time with her. I sobbed, "Mommy loves you so much. We'll still hang out all the time. I promise."
It was awful.
We played together for almost an hour before Claire woke up from her nap. She was distraught because Daddy had picked her up from school instead of Mommy. If I asked her about her day at school she cried and said, "Mommy not coming. Daddy pick me up."
Okay kids, you're making your point.
So we spent the afternoon making up for hugs that will be missed, having giggles that I won't be here to hear, and generally enjoying each moment.
Look, I know they'll both be fine. Claire will get used to going to school all day and Zora, well, as long as whomever is watching her feeds her regularly and makes sure she has Miss Monkey, she'll be fine. I know all the things. They'll be fine. They'll get used to it. They'll even like it. No one needs to tell me these things, in fact, don't patronize me. I know all of these things, but I don't have to like it.
So, starting in a few weeks, I will be working outside of my home. I'm not sure my emotions will ever be anything but mixed and I hope that I will look back on this decision and mark it down as a good one. We shall see.
No patronizing here-- but make a point to enjoy going back to work! Get coffee. Go out to lunch. Speak with other adults about non-child stuff, on occasion. Making a point to do these things really helped me get over the guilt (and, God, K could lay it on thick).
ReplyDeleteYou can have it the way you want it! If there's anything I've learned in the past three years of working where I do, it's that. You can find the balance the works for you, and don't let anyone tell you that it can't be done.