Monday, April 30, 2012

It Looks Like a Stripper Threw Up in Here

I've been threatening to write this post for awhile.  I've decided to just jump in with both feet and share my honest opinion(like you ever had any doubt).

Kids' rooms.  What.the.hell?  I remember the days of Strawberry Shortcake and Carebears and when Barbie was more of a plastic doll and less of a slut. 

Let's start with a very special word with which everyone should familiarize themselves:  appropriate.  In short it means "suitable or proper in the circumstances."  I like "proper" because it makes me think all Sense and Sensibility or Queen Elizabeth or something. 

When I think proper for a baby girl's room or a toddler girl's room I think pretty colors (not necessarily pink or even pastel), educational and stimulating toys, lots of books, and soft things upon which to lie/sit/drool.

This is not the present trend though, as far as I can tell.*Disclaimer:  I am basing all of this on what I see on Facebook and Pinterest...oh, and maybe Housewives of Somewhere-or-another.*

Now that we are all familiar with the word "appropriate" let's lay down some basic rules/review some tips for decorating your children's rooms so that you won't be bailing your daughter out of jail/pulling her down off a stage (eh-hem, the kind with a pole) anytime soon.

1.  Animal prints should be used in moderation.  Okay, so I love a good zebra print or even a giraffe from time to time (synthetic of course, get off my back PETA).  However, you don't want it to look like a full-on African safari in there.  I mean, hey, what's more cuddly than a bunch of skinned animals, but let's save those for birthday parties and t-ball games, k? 

Sidenote:  I have to mention that I have a good friend whose daughter, 9, has one of the loveliest uses of zebra print in her bedroom.  So props to you, AH, for knowing how to not go overboard when decorating and for raising a delightful, classy little girl. 

2.  Feathers are actually kind of icky if you think about it.  Seriously, whenever I see feathers being used on wedding cakes, centerpieces, etc I always get icked out.  That was stuck in a bird, you know.  Would you want me to pull out several handfuls of my hair for you to use as decorations?  No?  It's kind of the same thing except that I wash my hair more frequently than most people wash their birds.  I hope.

How does this apply to baby rooms?  People are constantly covering things in marabou.  Marabou is a stork that apparently has some of the loveliest, fluffiest feathers somewhere on its storky body.  So, I guess it's kind of appropriate if you believe children are delivered via bird.  Otherwise, take that dust-catching, tacky frame off your baby's changing table and hit yourself in the head with it.  Now you have some sense.

3.  Google stripper clothes.  Do the colors that you see on any of these website match the colors or prints in your child's bedroom?  If yes, you have chosen poorly, so go back to Lowe's and pick out something more suitable for a baby girl to look at every time she awakens from her precious baby slumber.  Do not, in the alternative, assume that stripper clothes have gotten classier.  They have not. 

4.  If when you step into the room you can see more than four be-dazzled items you have gone overboard.  Frankly, I think more than one be-dazzled item for a baby's room is too much, but that's just me.  You know that sparkly things look delicious to babies and they come off pretty easily.  Choking hazard!

5.  Does any of the furniture look like it belongs in the lounge of a swanky hotel or seedy gentlemen's club?  Remove said item immediately and get something your kid won't either slide off of or stick to.  Gross.  What is wrong with you?

6.  If you have committed anywhere from 2 to 5 of the previously enumerated errors, just go ahead and buy a pole for your child's bedroom because you may be raising a stripper.

Nothing against strippers, I hear it's good money.  But I don't want my babies rolling around in glitter and wearing clear light-up shoes any time soon. 

Well, the Devil takes many forms, they say.  Mickey Mouse is one of them.  Claire has recently become quite addicted to the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.  She sings along with the songs and dances.  It's cute, I guess.  At least it's not Caillou.


  1. I will pick Mickey any day over Caillou. And I am proud to say that I have committed NONE of the offenses listed above. Likely because I have boys. Not that they couldn't end up on a pole. I am equal opportunity when it comes to gender.

  2. I'm right there with you on the Caillou thing and on the boy stripper thing...not that your boys will be strippers. Especially since the brooding teen freaked the f out on you that time you didn't give him ample warning that I was coming over and he was downstairs sans shirt. The younger one doesn't seem to mind him.

  3. I have 3 daughters = 16, 8, and 7. Try shopping for a teen girl these days. They don't make clothes for my 5'1" 110lb cheerleader daughter that don't look like Sierra on the mainstage.

    My 7 & 8 year olds bedroom looks like Teen Beat and strippers threw up in it